This might be a little long for those with short attention spans...but here ya go anyway.
A little while ago today I posted a picture of Cargokitty with various hashtags referring to the storm & leafy gutters, including #cluelesslandlord. I wanted to delete my post immediately because of how crappy I felt right after using that hashtag publicly. Then I decided to keep the post live to motivate myself to share and own my process & feelings, which might be helpful to someone on their journey. If that could be you, please read on!
I noticed some ugly old feelings associated with my use of "clueless," ghosts of a past Self who would often try to gather little teams of haters, with the common goal of shaming and isolating someone, as a (really gross) temporary way to feel better about my Self-hating Self... like if I could recruit another Team Hater member to laugh at someone else's way of being (or not being) that was different from mine/ours, then we could share in that laughter and isolating that person, and I would feel a temporary bond with that recruited teammate, triumphant in that fleeting connection.
This behavior felt bad today because of how much it is not in alignment with my Self-Loving Self, and I clearly see now that my past Self was seeking attention in really unhealthy ways. The past Self attention-seeking was coming from a place of fear and scarcity, as though the other person/people with whom I was wanting connection didn't have the space or bandwidth to also give me the attention I was wanting/needing AND attention to the person I chose to isolate. If they picked me over them, and joined my team of haters, I would suddenly feel victorious, & that they would only give the other person their negative attention.
I'm aware of a small handful of interactions I currently have with some people who rouse these ghosts from the grave, and I noticed today's coming alive after reading a particularly snarky handful of comments regarding bikes vs. cars. I'm also noticing the common traits among the people who I've identified as stimulators of the past Self's habits (which doesn't feel productive or necessary to share here).
My recurring lessons:
~ I love attention! There are healthy ways to feel loved and attended to by people who love me and have space for my big, sometimes intense, enthusiastic Self.
~The people who think it's funny when I'm a jerk are feeding the demons! It could be healthy to maintain some distance from them until it's easier to find my Now Self in their presence than default to the ghosts of Past Self
~I have no idea where someone is on their journey or in their life so either keep it shut or speak up if I think something needs to change (perhaps ask the landlady about getting the gutters cleaned prior to a big storm instead of assuming negligence).
~Stay gentle with myself, even when I see the old ways coming back to the surface. I am a beautifully imperfect work-in-progress and its okay to slip sometimes.
If you made it this far, thank you! I appreciate you for sharing this journey with me.
A little while ago today I posted a picture of Cargokitty with various hashtags referring to the storm & leafy gutters, including #cluelesslandlord. I wanted to delete my post immediately because of how crappy I felt right after using that hashtag publicly. Then I decided to keep the post live to motivate myself to share and own my process & feelings, which might be helpful to someone on their journey. If that could be you, please read on!
I noticed some ugly old feelings associated with my use of "clueless," ghosts of a past Self who would often try to gather little teams of haters, with the common goal of shaming and isolating someone, as a (really gross) temporary way to feel better about my Self-hating Self... like if I could recruit another Team Hater member to laugh at someone else's way of being (or not being) that was different from mine/ours, then we could share in that laughter and isolating that person, and I would feel a temporary bond with that recruited teammate, triumphant in that fleeting connection.
This behavior felt bad today because of how much it is not in alignment with my Self-Loving Self, and I clearly see now that my past Self was seeking attention in really unhealthy ways. The past Self attention-seeking was coming from a place of fear and scarcity, as though the other person/people with whom I was wanting connection didn't have the space or bandwidth to also give me the attention I was wanting/needing AND attention to the person I chose to isolate. If they picked me over them, and joined my team of haters, I would suddenly feel victorious, & that they would only give the other person their negative attention.
I'm aware of a small handful of interactions I currently have with some people who rouse these ghosts from the grave, and I noticed today's coming alive after reading a particularly snarky handful of comments regarding bikes vs. cars. I'm also noticing the common traits among the people who I've identified as stimulators of the past Self's habits (which doesn't feel productive or necessary to share here).
My recurring lessons:
~ I love attention! There are healthy ways to feel loved and attended to by people who love me and have space for my big, sometimes intense, enthusiastic Self.
~The people who think it's funny when I'm a jerk are feeding the demons! It could be healthy to maintain some distance from them until it's easier to find my Now Self in their presence than default to the ghosts of Past Self
~I have no idea where someone is on their journey or in their life so either keep it shut or speak up if I think something needs to change (perhaps ask the landlady about getting the gutters cleaned prior to a big storm instead of assuming negligence).
~Stay gentle with myself, even when I see the old ways coming back to the surface. I am a beautifully imperfect work-in-progress and its okay to slip sometimes.
If you made it this far, thank you! I appreciate you for sharing this journey with me.